About

My name is Maestro Malevolent. I live at the corner of Wouldn’t You Like to Know and Yeah Right in Doilooklikeanidiotopolis.

You will never find my lairboratory (it’s both a lair and a laboratory – I invent words as well as machines. I came up with Brangelina. Do you see now how dastardly I can be?) and even if you do, you won’t realize that you have. It’s hidden in plain sight. Some geniuses hide their homes in volcanoes or mountains or icebergs, but all this does is create an excruciating commute. Do you know how long it takes to get to Home Depot when you live in a volcano? Do you know how often a working evil genius has to visit the Home Depot? Even if you’re willing to send a minion or henchman for those supplies, you can’t trust them with the Best Buy shopping list. They always get talked into the warranty no matter how many times you explain that you plan to immediately dismantle whatever you’ve sent them to purchase and use it for parts, which never doesn’t void said warranty. You’ll save a bundle over time just making these trips yourself and I promise you, there are even fewer Best Buys near volcanoes than there are Home Depots. I happen to live conveniently near both a Best Buy and a Home Depot, but good luck finding me with that clue.

I like foosball (I modified my table so that, if my opponent scores a goal, all of my players zap him or her with high-powered lasers and incinerate him or her on the spot – I have never lost a game of foosball), drawing blueprints (if I weren’t an evil mastermind, I would almost definitely be an architect) and peanut butter cookies (a lot of people are allergic to peanuts, but not me. Peanut butter cookies are the symbol of my invincibility).

I dislike Monopoly (it’s impossible to install lasers of any significant power in miniature pewter pieces and people never want to play with the giant Monopoly set I invented – the banker always gets overexerted and passes out in the first 20 minutes), accidentally cutting my fingernails too short (I can’t invent anything for a day and a half until they start to grow back. There is nothing more irritating) and Keira Knightley (I mean come on, really?).

I know more about literally everything than you ever will. I probably know more about you than you do. If you were worth talking to, I’d meet up with you so I could prove it. But honestly, you’re sitting at home reading a blog when you could be devoting your attention to more important things, like world domination. You’re a loser and if you think I’m wrong then you’re also stupid. I don’t have time for stupid losers. Unless you’re looking to pursue a career in minioning. In which case, I’m planning to hire soon. Applications will available shortly.

Enough about you though. I’m much more interesting. I know the question on everyone’s minds so I’ll just go ahead and answer it: I’m single. There’s no time for romance when you’re busy creating an evil empire. I expect things to slow down considerably when I ascend to power though and then the ladies will lining up to get a piece of the Maestro. Except Keira Knightley. Don’t bother, Keira Knightley. I have standards.